I just finished watching the three DVD set put out by Authentic Man Program. I am impressed. Essentially, they teach what we do; but applied to attracting and relating to women.

Their premise is to attract women you need to be authentic. To be authentic you need to be presences. Being presence is about being in your body and accepting whatever is happening in the moment. If you can lead a Healing Journey, you can be show up powerfully for a woman in this way.

After teaching presence, they teach appreciation, then integrity, and then being whole, which naturally generates fun. Each of these layers builds on the previous layer(s). The most challenging, as we know is being fully authentic in our presences. Being mindful of my full experience sets up a place of choice - am I going to accept the full depth of my experience. To the extent I do, is the extent a woman will show up for me.

They contend and I would agree women not only know how present we are, they are always responding to it, for the most part unconsciously. Through some teaching and many demos, you start to get a sense of how to increase your presence. You see the men in the DVDs work on developing their ability to embody presence.

A key to the capacity to be present is you capacity to feel and accept your feelings. When I accept what I am feeling, I am telling the woman her feelings are ok.

Decker, the originator of the program speaks to how our body can hinder or aid us in our ability to be present. You can see that in the DVDs the men who have an easier time are the more relaxed ones. Decker doesn’t directly say this, but I will - if you get the old stress out of your body you are way ahead at easily dropping into being present.

Decker and his partner Bryan speak about the three levels of presence and you could say appreciation. The first is self, the next is other and the third is the “relationship,” how you are relating. Robert Bly calls the relationship the third body. As your ability to hold presence increases you will be able to maintain an awareness of three simultaneously.

They also speak about how we take ourselves out of being present. We either distract ourselves by moving our bodies or rambling with our conversation, or we contract our bodies to hold our feelings in.

My contention is if the men in our groups went out after a powerful meeting to a social function, every man would have women drawn to him. What we do in our meetings is what we need to do with women. Decker and Bryan are brilliant. Their under is to change men’s consciousness by teaching them how to attract women through being themselves. We know how do it, we just need to expand it to how we relate to women.

What Decker speaks about fits beautifully with what we learned from Alison Armstrong about how women are externally focused and men are internally focused. When we go deep inside ourselves, then accept what is occurring - this creates an inviting space for the woman to be more out there with her feminine beauty. Our capacity to connect to this masculine place, as David Deida says, is the determiner to how a woman shows up.

Their concept, our concept does not get any simpler. Mastering it does take some work.

No Comments / Apr 27.09 / Men relating to women / by Owen Marcus

Sandpoint is leading the nation in change. In fact, this past Sunday’s New York Times Magazine Section highlighted Sandpoint as leading the new movement in sustainability

The article describes the Sandpoint Transition Initiative (STI) as the second such organization in the country, and the first to have a large gathering. STI represents the our community coming together to improve the quality of our lives. The Sandpoint Women’s and Men’s Groups are a part of this transition to a more sustainable community.

No Comments / Apr 23.09 / Community event / by Owen Marcus

Through the winter, the Sandpoint Men’s Group continued to stay busy. We did our winter solstice Sweat Lodge in a snowstorm with single digit temperatures. We first needed to dig out the Lodge and fire pit from 3′ of snow from previous storms before we could Sweat. No problems though as it was plenty warm inside the lodge. We are hoping the snow will be melted for our spring equinox Sweat.

Eleven men from the SMG came together to form the Creation Tribe, a sub group of our larger three-circle group. The Creation Tribe builds on the healing work of our circles to support men in creating conscious lives of passion and purpose. Each man, teamed with a partner and with the help of Basecamp collaboration software, works towards dreaming in the life he wants and then sets goals to create/live that life. Each partner and the larger group supports the man in reaching those goals. The group formed and led by Owen Marcus and Wayne Pignolet weaves the teachings and processes of many diverse sources to produce a group that help birth each man’s dreams.

Form a co-ed training in male-female relationships this past November the groups learned about Alison Armstrong’s work.  Alison through her seminars teaches men and women about how our biology can affect our behavior. Her fun DVDs inspire both the women’s and men’s groups to sponsor the community showing of her DVDs. We are planning to offer more of her DVDs to the community with the hope of forming a couple’s group and possibly bringing her to Sandpoint.

William Heller, a founding member recently attended with his wife Diane Rich and CharTossi’s couple’s workshop in the Bay Area. Rich is a co-founder of the Mankind Project. William is now organizing our community to sponsor Rich and his wife coming to Sandpoint. William is also leading a team to do the entire MOS (Men of Service) at a New Warrior Training Adventure sponsored by the MKP (ManKind Project). This team would do all the cooking at the training at Rock Lake, B.C. in June.

No Comments / Mar 01.09 / A woman's prospective, Community event / by Owen Marcus

Last night the Men’s and Women’s group offered a showing of Alison Armstrong’s DVD - Understanding Women. 120 people showed up for the first half of her DVD set on Understanding Women. We are showing the last half of the set in two weeks.

The event is generating interest in having Alison come to Sandpoint herself. We might be a small community, but we are a community. Sandpoint continues to support the development of organizations that support its people and its environment.

No Comments / Feb 28.09 / Uncategorized / by Owen Marcus

“What has astonished and delighted me about my husband’s participation in the Men’s Group is not just HIS growth, but how that growth has affected the other men in our life–cousins, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers. Something in him has shifted, and his men friends–even casual men friends–open up to him in amazing ways. At a family reunion, he sat and listened to a male cousin-in-law tell him about a painful betrayal he had suffered. The man’s wife said, ‘Oh honey, let’s not go into all that unpleasantness.’ But the man looked at her and said, ‘No, I need to talk about this.’ He must have just talked ‘at’ Eldon for 20 or 30 minutes. Eldon was mostly quiet, but when he did speak, it was supportive, understanding, and encouraging the man to speak more. When he was done talking, the man said, ‘Wow. I feel a lot better. My hat’s off to you, Eldon. Thank you for just listening.’ I was so proud of my husband.” Theresa Renner, wife of Eldon, member for 19 months

No Comments / Dec 29.08 / A man and his family / by Owen Marcus

On a beautiful fall day, members of the Sandpoint Men’s and Sandpoint Women’s Group with their kids came together to build a Sweat Lodge. Here is a short video of the crew lashing down the alder to form the ribs of the Sweat Lodge.

Fall Sweat Lodge building from Owen Marcus on Vimeo.

No Comments / Nov 01.08 / Uncategorized / by Owen Marcus

Socrates said that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. “Not worth living” might be a bit extreme but I do agree with the sentiment as I am a self-professed life-examining junkie. Personal growth is my passion and the path of a seeker is definately not for the faint of heart. I feel the same way about relationships and there have been times when the two paths have been at odds heading for virtual destruction. Committing to one’s own path of self discovery can certainly be a scary and sometimes dangerous thing to do to a relationship. It could really monkey up the works, couldn’t it? Seekers are often faced with the question of which is riskier, staring certain change in the face or snuggling into the security of familiarity. After almost 23 years of marriage I’ve spent many hours on the fence, chewing my nails and creasing my butt while wrestling with just that question. I generally jump onto the side of change because if I’m going to suffer I’d at least like it to be productive, you know, move me forward, but sometimes it can take a while.

One of the scariest times for me came when I had been working on my self long enough to notice that my husband wasn’t really “that into” personal growth or the idea of “building a better relationship”. Building a better sailboat – yes, he was definitely interested in that, but as far as looking at himself, well let’s just say he wasn’t terribly motivated. Opening my eyes to that reality was scary (no wonder I stayed in denial so long). “How is this going to work?” I thought to myself, “Look at him he’s standing still and I’m like a shooting star blazing across the cosmos on the fast track to enlightenment! How can he possibly hang with me?! Not to mention I can’t have him holding me back!” (I actually used those words or something equally embarrassing.)

Turns out my worst fear came true. Not the fear that worried he wouldn’t get his you-know-what together but the fear that was hiding right behind it. The one that said “What if he turns to me and says, ‘You’re right, Jo, I haven’t been showing up and working on my side of this thing. I’m in and I want to join you on the path.’?” That’s what he did and the only thing I could say was….”Gulp!” Then I think I turned and ran shouting, “I was just kidding!” over my shoulder. I ran and he chased. Turns out I wasn’t as interested as I thought.

It wasn’t until a few years later when we met a wonderful therapist that I stopped running. She helped us pull our marriage out of the dumpster. I seem to remember that Wayne threw it there when he got tired of chasing me. She (the therapist) wanted to know why I was running. Good question, goooood question. She helped me sit still long enough to find out what was so scary about showing up for my marriage. The list was long, the fears were valid. (An interesting little side note, I wasn’t the only one afraid. Who knew?)

She helped us build a safe foundation of love and trust between the two of us and within ourselves so that we could truly take advantage of what a committed, creative relationship can provide. She helped us lay our fears and our judgements right there on the table. Yikes! One of my long-standing fears was “what if he’s not the “one” for me?” Another favorite was “what if we create a great connection and then he leaves me or dies? That’s going to hurt so much it will surely kill me”. We saw how our “insidious” little judgments of eachother were sucking the life out of our relationship. Maybe he didn’t feel safe when I secretly referred to him as a “Neanderthal!” I’m sure that his view of me as a “frigid flake” didn’t contribute to intimacy either. But those were real and alive inside us. We peeked around to see what was behind them and learned a lot (too much to share here!).

Ultimately our therapist gave us a place and a way to tell the truth, each our own truth. Scary business that truth telling is. Everything is risked each time the truth is told but if you can do it the rewards are incredible. The things you learn about yourself, the wounds that can be healed, the confidence you build within yourself and the way you see your mate make it all worth it. It increases your capacity for love and acceptance of yourself and others. I think that’s what we’re here for.

by Jody P.

1 Comment / Sep 23.08 / Uncategorized / by Owen Marcus

Thank you Phil.  I remember when I made the all star team in Pony League baseball.  The first game I went  2 for 3  with a walk and 4 rbis.  I hit a home  run and got my name in the paper right next to an article about a Detroit Tiger star.  The next game, the first time I stepped up to the plate, the catcher went out to the mound.  Sure enough, the first pitch was a side arm deal that came right at my head.  It missed, although I can imagine many of you have some doubts.  As I dug in for the second pitch, I knew in my gut it was going to be a side arm fast ball down the middle of the plate, and I had a vision of hammering it over the center field fence.

Here it came, a side arm fast ball.  What did I do? I jumped back like a little pussy and the umpire yelled STRIKE.  I did not listen to my GUT.  I did not swing for my DREAM.  I was DEFEAT!  I went hitless that day, my team lost, and we were out of the tournament.

Fifty (50) years later (count them) I can still see the seams on that fast

ball, in slow motion, as it floats belt high over the plate.   STRIKE STRIKE

STRIKE god dam it, it still rings in my ears.  I did not sacrifice my body to the fear of pain and the demon, regret, lives with me always.

A few days after that 14 year old young man recovered from his tears he made a commitment to himself.  He would never again ignore his gut and let another balloon float over the plate for a strike.  He would swing the bat for his dreams.  To not swing is too painful.  I have been swinging all my

bats ever since.  I often miss the ball.   I sometimes lose my grip and the

bat flies into the crowd where it could hurt somebody. I sometimes strike out and go 0 for 5.  But I swing the bat and sometimes I knock the fucking ball out of the park.  I am ALIVE.  I may lose a game or two but I am never DEFEATED.

Men, go for your dreams.  Ask for what you want.  The cost of missed opportunity could be very large compared to what keeps you from getting what you want.

MOON LION ( growling in the night with my passion for life)  going going gone!

No Comments / Aug 11.08 / A man's experience / by Owen Marcus

We’re in Butte, on a day off, heading out Monday am, about 400 miles and a little over 4 weeks into our hike. Overall, it’s been great, although there were some sections during this last stretch, with a lot of road walking and cows and very little scenery where I had to keep reminding myself that, like life, the trail has parts that you simply endure to experience the rest of the good stuff.

I miss the social aspects of the SMG. But, in some ways, I have apreciated the break from the weekly meetings. Although, it’s not all “freedom” - the time on the trail brings a LOT of introspection. Not many answers, but the questions get deeper and some occassional insights flash into mind.

In response to another man’s question about finding the path to doing what they really want to do, I wrote about the following experiences I have had, and think it will be of general interest to share it here:

I have long recognized and appreciated how difficult it is to do what we really want to do. I had several epiphanies in the early 1990s and made some choices to do what I wanted - my first long hike. It meant making some sacrifices and it meant taking some risks. Doing it was liberating though, and it became easier after that first leap to do so again. I’ve encouraged others through the years to make such personal leaps of faith and go about doing whatever it is that they truly want. At the last corporate job I had, I preached “anarchy” to all new hires and interns, suggesting they all quit before they got trapped into careers. I diddn’t hide this - I told my bosses exactly what I was doing, and yet they let me keep on training. Probably feeling safe that few would listen.

One of the things I have found is that most people do not know what they truly want. They are either afraid to dream, or are afraid to admit to whatever their dream is. I guess because it’s often easier, in the short term, to supress or deny a dream than to pursue it. Of course, later on regret can be more demonic than the sacrifice needed to achieve a dream.

I’m more scared of potential regret, so I try to pursue my own dreams. I have to, or can’t quite live with myself.

So, that’s where I am, willing to endure the hardhships and compromises, to be able to do what I want to do, walk 1,300 miles this summer. And maybe, tonight, to go sit in the hotel’s hot tub and drink the beer I have been dreaming abot for the last five days!

Phil, Compassionate Coyote, Hough

No Comments / Aug 03.08 / A man's experience / by Grateful Cheetah

Last Saturday I spent the afternoon helping a nine year-old boy begin to make moccasins. He is a great kid who is learning to track animals and wants to wear the moccasins to “fox walk” in the woods. I had made moccasins and mukluks a long time ago and I knew I could help him. As it turned out I think I was the one who most benefited.

I noticed during the day how observant he was. I noticed when I talked to his mom how he would disappear out of the room sometimes and suddenly we would discover him watching us. It reminded me of myself. As a boy, I was always watching. Trying to learn. Trying to understand whatever it was I longed to know more about.

He and I talked about a lot of things. Sometimes he got fascinated at my stories and opened his mouth and stared at me. He would put down the pliers and the leather needle and just listen. For awhile he did this after each stitch. He drew me into my stories even more because he paid so much attention. I had to bring our focus back to the next stitch each time. He was hungry for one-on-one time, stories and sharing. I recognized that hunger. It is a hunger that still burns in the boy part of me.

It was the next morning that I woke and couldn’t get back to sleep after 4am. I kept remembering this boy quietly watching. Soon I found myself sobbing for 90 minutes from the boy inside of me. I remembered watching my parents the whole time I grew up. I never saw them once hold hands, kiss, hug, or touch each other. Not in eighteen years. I always wondered whether relationships were real or fake. Was it an act? A role you are supposed to play? Part of me wanted it to be simply real, true natural friendship. But I never saw healthy touch. Not once. No physical expression of love. I knew something different must happen in the bedroom but what was real to my heart was what I could see. Laying there in the morning crying I so wanted my parents to show me.

Grief leaking that morning from the deepest wound in my life. I questioned myself a lot growing up. What was wrong with me? Am I really a man? Painful tears at my self love. True intimacy was a empty blank spot on my map of life for a long time. I was lost. I didn’t find my way into intimacy until well into adulthood. I worked in communities where healthy intimacy was modeled by peers. Sharing shoulder rubs was a daily exchange. It could all be real. Nothing less.

Suddenly I found a second wind of crying. Like the boy listening to my stories, now I was the little boy so hungry for Dad to pay attention to me. How I wish my Dad would have come told me stories where I would forget everything and listen. I wanted his attention. I knew the hunger in the eyes before me as we made moccasins. Every second of giving him attention was healing the boy inside me. Sure enough, 4 am the next morning that trapped grief was freed. I look forward to the continuing the moccasins.

1 Comment / Aug 03.08 / A man's experience / by Grateful Cheetah