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The Power of Seth

Wayne — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:56:41 +0000

Cover of Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?

If you have not yet come across Seth Godin I highly recommend him. He just thinks differently about the world and is a constant inspiration for me to break the mold and do it differently.

He is the author of Linchpin, The Purple Cow, Tribes, Permission Marketing and other books.

His daily blog is www.sethgodin.com

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Why Do I Sweat?

Wayne — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:34:59 +0000

: Image by lierne via Flickr

No, I don’t mean that kind of sweat. I am a guy and I can sweat aplenty. I mean sweat lodges. We just did one on Wednesday night instead of our normal group. Over the years I have probably done ten or twelve sweats. I often also choose to be part of the fire crew which means I get a double dose of heat from the lodge and the fire.

For the un-initiated a sweat lodge can be hot. I don’t know how hot but compared to a sauna they are hotter. The heat and accepting are the challenge. I have always felt challenged by the heat in the lodge but never so challenged that I needed to leave the lodge before the sweat was done.

My most common experience was it gets hot and I would use the heat as a metaphor for pain and breath through it. I would participate fully in each of the four rounds (prayer for self, prayer for others, what I want to let go of and what I want to receive) and clear a lot of stuff going on for me and call it good. I also would have a dehydration headache because two hours of sweating even while drinking lots of water can be draining.

This sweat last Wednesday was different. Half way through the first round I wanted out. It was hot and the heat was making me feel claustrophobic. My normal approach of working with the pain and fear were not working. I made it through the round but it was close. Mostly pride got me through it.

The remaining rounds were better but still harder than I can remember. Part of the reason that I feel like it was harder is we did it just with the men in the group. No guests. We have been together for a while and can generate some power. Mostly, though. I think it has to do with where I was and my emotional openness.

The next day I recovered really well but found myself asking why do I go in to the sweat lodge? Is it worth the work and suffering? I so what happens that is worthwhile? My first answer was I don’t want to do that again.

However, with some time I am again reminded of how much healing can take place in the lodge. The combination of the heat and the intent of the rounds can touch levels in me that are hard to reach any other way.

A lot of this is hard to intellectualize as I feel more than I think it. After the sweat I could feel this strong anxiety and sadness. The feeling was not located in a specific spot but just a general feeling.

The heat and staying in the sweat showed my shit. I realize now it was work I was avoiding. The heat brought it to the surface. Once it is up I can heal. That is why I sweat.

No More Mr Nice Guy If you are going to do men’s work you absolutely...

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A New Men’s Site

Owen Marcus — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 17:09:20 +0000

I recently started www.mansmanifesto.com in part to apply what we do in our group on a larger level. Over the years of being in men’s groups I have learned a lot about not only myself, but also about men and how we change. I have seen that with coaching men that much of the change seen in the group can be fostered individually.

I also stated the blog as way to expand the dialogue about growing up to be the men we want to be. It takes a community to raise a child; it takes a planet to grow men.

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No More Mr Nice Guy

Kyle Mercer — Thu, 13 May 2010 19:16:28 +0000

If you are going to do men’s work you absolutely need to have some foundational guiding ideas and ideals.

In SMG 2.0 we all began with Mankind Project as a model for doing the transformational work in our meetings and at least initially for the form of the meetings themselves, following their model for an I group.

Later we adopted and incorporated David Deida’s work principally by requiring the reading of Way of the Superior Man. Deida’s work has given us more guidance or direction to our understanding of what masculinity is.

Recently I have come upon another source for inspiration in our work as men, Dr. Robert Glover. Glover is a psychiatrist that gravitated to men’s work. He spent 6 years writing his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is the culmination of work he has done personally and in his No Mr. Nice Guy men’s groups.

He has been leading these groups for many years, often 3 nights a week and clearly has vast experience with the work. From my reading I find what he has to say foundational to the work we need to do as American or Westernized men. Much of the book I found as familiar, the work I have been doing for the last 2 years and in many ways took me further.

The metaphor I have for reading the book is like reading the travel guide after the trip and realizing 1. how much easier it could have been if I had the guide book and 2. I want to go back and catch the sites I missed. I am recommending this book to all of the men in SMG 2.0. It talks to many of the concepts that we already use, and some ground we already cover and I believe that it will clarify and focus the work we have to do, particularly for the men who are joining the group and new to the work.

One particular awareness I received from the book was the idea of monogamy with mother. I became aware of my essence in my childhood being married with my mother. No masculine influence ever came in to sever this connection, the purpose of traditional rite-of-passage experiences. As a result I can see how I have looked to women for my affirmations. This has showed up in all my relationships with women, and of course women would tend to affirm my feminine qualities and values. By severing this connection with mother and being in the presence of men I am now receiving my encouragement and affirmations from men and expressing my masculine with the women in my life. I am more confident, expressive and powerful.

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How to Be Smart with your Goals.

Owen Marcus — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:20:45 +0000

At the end of our meetings each man commits to doing a “stretch” that supports his development. We ask that these goals be S.M.A.R.T. – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-Boxed. It can take some work to furfill these qualities, but they do work. You are more likely to achieve your goals if you allow S.M.A.R.T. to guide you. Check out this post on Lifehacker to learn more.

Where Is Your Menspace? A man’s castle is often not his home; it is...

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Deep Love

Owen Marcus — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:22:52 +0000

A recent article in the New York Times speaks about love. I’m not talking about the love we see on TV, in the movies or read about. I am talking about the love that transcends the pain of the old love dying, the love that felt real until it is not there any longer.

Laura Munson is a distant neighbor of ours. She lives in Whitefish, MT. Just over the river and through a few woods from Sandpoint, ID. Also a transplant from New England, she carved out a life in Montana that was idyllic until her husband came home and told her he never loved her and wanted a divorce. Read the article to hear her describe her iterations.

Her mantra was, “It’s not about me.” It never is. We project on to each other to escape our pain. She held to a deep faith that she could only affect her world. She couldn’t change her husband. We never can. We often want to. Even when we think we have, it often backfires. The resentment comes back hard or we get what we thought we wanted, but proves to be not what we needed.

Each week in our men’s group, we support each of us through our BS to a new place of authenticity, a place of self-love. It is a place where what we do or have is not why we are loved. It is who we are being in the moment. After several of these moments we start to believe maybe we are loveable for just being ourselves.

Laura nails it. She is a woman of deep courage and love.

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SMG and SWG Sponsor a Community Event

Owen Marcus — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:33:53 +0000

Last night the Men’s and Women’s group offered a showing of Alison Armstrong’s DVD – Understanding Women. 120 people showed up for the first half of her DVD set on Understanding Women. We are showing the last half of the set in two weeks.

The event is generating interest in having Alison come to Sandpoint herself. We might be a small community, but we are a community. Sandpoint continues to support the development of organizations that support its people and its environment.

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Building a Sweat Lodge

Owen Marcus — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 04:54:22 +0000

On a beautiful fall day, members of the Sandpoint Men’s and Sandpoint Women’s Group with their kids came together to build a Sweat Lodge. Here is a short video of the crew lashing down the alder to form the ribs of the Sweat Lodge.

Fall Sweat Lodge building from Owen Marcus on Vimeo.

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A Relationship On the Path

Owen Marcus — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:31:28 +0000

Socrates said that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. “Not worth living” might be a bit extreme but I do agree with the sentiment as I am a self-professed life-examining junkie. Personal growth is my passion and the path of a seeker is definately not for the faint of heart. I feel the same way about relationships and there have been times when the two paths have been at odds heading for virtual destruction. Committing to one’s own path of self discovery can certainly be a scary and sometimes dangerous thing to do to a relationship. It could really monkey up the works, couldn’t it? Seekers are often faced with the question of which is riskier, staring certain change in the face or snuggling into the security of familiarity. After almost 23 years of marriage I’ve spent many hours on the fence, chewing my nails and creasing my butt while wrestling with just that question. I generally jump onto the side of change because if I’m going to suffer I’d at least like it to be productive, you know, move me forward, but sometimes it can take a while.

One of the scariest times for me came when I had been working on my self long enough to notice that my husband wasn’t really “that into” personal growth or the idea of “building a better relationship”. Building a better sailboat – yes, he was definitely interested in that, but as far as looking at himself, well let’s just say he wasn’t terribly motivated. Opening my eyes to that reality was scary (no wonder I stayed in denial so long). “How is this going to work?” I thought to myself, “Look at him he’s standing still and I’m like a shooting star blazing across the cosmos on the fast track to enlightenment! How can he possibly hang with me?! Not to mention I can’t have him holding me back!” (I actually used those words or something equally embarrassing.)

Turns out my worst fear came true. Not the fear that worried he wouldn’t get his you-know-what together but the fear that was hiding right behind it. The one that said “What if he turns to me and says, ‘You’re right, Jo, I haven’t been showing up and working on my side of this thing. I’m in and I want to join you on the path.’?” That’s what he did and the only thing I could say was….”Gulp!” Then I think I turned and ran shouting, “I was just kidding!” over my shoulder. I ran and he chased. Turns out I wasn’t as interested as I thought.

It wasn’t until a few years later when we met a wonderful therapist that I stopped running. She helped us pull our marriage out of the dumpster. I seem to remember that Wayne threw it there when he got tired of chasing me. She (the therapist) wanted to know why I was running. Good question, goooood question. She helped me sit still long enough to find out what was so scary about showing up for my marriage. The list was long, the fears were valid. (An interesting little side note, I wasn’t the only one afraid. Who knew?)

She helped us build a safe foundation of love and trust between the two of us and within ourselves so that we could truly take advantage of what a committed, creative relationship can provide. She helped us lay our fears and our judgements right there on the table. Yikes! One of my long-standing fears was “what if he’s not the “one” for me?” Another favorite was “what if we create a great connection and then he leaves me or dies? That’s going to hurt so much it will surely kill me”. We saw how our “insidious” little judgments of eachother were sucking the life out of our relationship. Maybe he didn’t feel safe when I secretly referred to him as a “Neanderthal!” I’m sure that his view of me as a “frigid flake” didn’t contribute to intimacy either. But those were real and alive inside us. We peeked around to see what was behind them and learned a lot (too much to share here!).

Ultimately our therapist gave us a place and a way to tell the truth, each our own truth. Scary business that truth telling is. Everything is risked each time the truth is told but if you can do it the rewards are incredible. The things you learn about yourself, the wounds that can be healed, the confidence you build within yourself and the way you see your mate make it all worth it. It increases your capacity for love and acceptance of yourself and others. I think that’s what we’re here for.

by Jody P.

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The One Thing

Owen Marcus — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 04:12:46 +0000

Today I will do one thing I don’t want to do

It might not be a big thing to you

It might not even be a big thing to me

It might be a call that scares me

It could be finishing a project I started a month ago

It could be taking out the trash

It probably won’t be balancing the check book, but it probably should

It could be finishing a resume

It might be signing up for a class

I may play soccer with my daughter

It could be a date with my wife

It probably won’t be watching TV but I wish it was

I hope the one thing starts a revolution but I would be happy with evolution

Today I will do one thing that I think is a good idea but I convinced myself I don’t have the time or energy to do

Today I will do one thing that might change how I feel about me in this moment

One thing that may save a life

One thing that could save mine

One thing that could make my life just a little more stress free

Today the one thing, the one small thing, that I know I should

Today the one thing that I keep putting off

That one thing does not even need to be a big thing

It just needs to be one thing

Just ONE THING today I don’t want to do that could change a life

Maybe not now, but a thousand one things later

By Grateful Cheetah

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