I often have inspirational thoughts in my head that I hope will help me have a better life. Sayings like “do one thing today that will change your life” or “speak your truth from your heart” or “listen to be heard”. The problem is most of these don’t stick. I suppose they serve their purpose and then fade away.

There are a few, however, that do seem to stick. And I am really aware of one of them right now in my life. My inspiration is “I will commit to showing up for a whole conversation in my significant relationships (and sometimes my not so significant relationships)”.

What this means for me is that whether it takes 5 seconds or a life time I will keep showing up until I feel connected and resolved. Specifically it means:

• I assume there might be more to say or hear even after a subject or issue has come and gone. Some issues just take a long time to resolve, if they ever resolve.
• There is always something more to learn
• If I walk away mad or with a grudge or sad there is more to say.
• That I have gained little in my life by not speaking my truth. Eventually it comes out anyway.
• I will have to wade through my fight or flight tendencies when I feel angry or unmet and make a choice to stay in for the lesson.
• I may not get what I want. The other person(s) in the relationship may choose to end the conversation early.

I figure most of its about me anyway and it ties to this other manifesto I have which is to have the courage to see myself more clearly, everyday. By staying in the conversation, by not leaving when I am mad, or fustrated, or hurt I give myself the opportunity to grow, heal and learn. In other words I get the lesson.

The beauty of the lesson? I do, for the first time in my life, consistently feel close to my spouse. We have had many of the traditional challenges of other couples who have not stayed together. There was plenty of anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. to go around. But we kept showing up. Neither of has yet said I am done. (Even though in my anger I really wanted too) I am also lucky my spouse Jody kept showing up too.

As an aside I have to give some credit to an old adviser Timeto. About 15 years ago he said to me, right in the middle of one of the most stressful times in my marriage, “you will know its time to go when you can do it with out anger and regret”.

Right now I am experiencing this with my men’s group. Something has shifted in our dynamics. What once felt safe, fun and really was something I looked forward too each week no longer was any of that for me. I still love the men in the group but I found myself not wanting to come.

We are talking about it. Its started several weeks ago and the conversation continues. It is hard and stressful and challenging and I want to stay home. If I stay home I don’t have to speak about my anger or judgments. Nor do I have to hear others judgments of me or feel their anger.

But I know if I did I would be walking away with sadness, anger and regret. I would not get the healing. And most importantly I would miss growing closer to men that I care about.

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Alison Armstrong started studying men so she could understand why she couldn’t find the right man. As she says, men taught her a tremendous amount about not only themselves but life. Out of exploration, she developed a course to teach women about men. Today her company teaches men and women about each other along with how to create the relationship they want.

A powerful podcast

In this podcast [see: Alison Armstrong on Chris Howard's Mentor Circle Call] she shares the gold from her seminar on relationships. She claims that there is no such thing as a “relationship.” A relationship is just people relating. I agree that once we focus on the process, the interaction of relating frees up to be present and enjoy the other person. It is true our obsession with the prefect relationship trips us up. Yet, I do feel as Robert Bly describes in his poem, there is a third body created. The relationship has a life or some would say a Spirit of its own. I do believe it can serve us to honor that third body and I agree with Alison that we create the best relationships when we are being in the moment relating.

The One

She claims that the fixation on finding the One is a scarcity belief that creates stress in our “search” and our desire not to blow it. Whenever I leave the focus of the moment and my experience to perform, not only am not present, I am sabotaging my relating. My focus shifts from experiencing to doing it right, judging if the other person is doing it right, and hoping.

For men she is the one because he chose her. As men, we take all of her – the whole package. We aren’t looking at changing her. On the other hand, according to Alison women being the adaptors by default accept qualities on a case-by-case base. Eventually the woman can enter a state of grace where she surrenders to accepting the whole man.

Knowing she is the one

Men usually in the first 15 minutes know. Alison learned from men that we see the possibility of the relationship at the beginning. From there we are coloring in between the outlines of the coloring book. Her warning to both sexes is to understand when a man says I could marry you he is saying if everything goes as expected it could happen. The woman often hears that, as he will marry me.

The limits of investing

The more we invest in working the relationship, the more we feel we need to hold out to get a return. When we are present, in the moment and in our bodies, we are not in the relationship for the investment, we are just in it.

She claims women fall more prey to being trapped by their investments through all their sacrifices. Alison sees women investing, a code word for denying their feelings and needs for a future return. Men she says give and get what they want.

The importance of renewing

Alison warns both men and women about the tendency women have to “drain their tanks” as they run themselves out often working to do it right. She says that men are more likely to have renewing activities. I agree with that. Yet, I see woman more likely to have renewing therapies. Either way, both partners need activities outside the relationship that gives to them.

The key – who you are?

A key to a successful relationship for Alison is how you feel in the relationship. Being with your partner, does it have you loving who you are being? Does being with him or her move you more to being the person you want to be?

Another quality to look for is finding a partner who has what you don’t have. For example, I want a woman who is femine. As a man, femininity is not a quality I have. However, if I wasn’t being masculine, as David Deida points out, the woman would by default fill that quality. To have the relationship you desire you must embody the qualities that you want, or maybe some of the qualities you don’t want your partner to have.

It is a sorting problem

I love Alison’s encouragement to be out there. It’s not a finding problem, it’s a sorting problem. If you are clear, consistent and congruent with whom you are that vibe will go out to everyone. Yes, you will repel some, but the ones who are your match will be drawn to you. We are trained to please which makes no one happy in the end.

Three keys to finding a relationship

Alison gives three foci for finding a relationship.

• First, be clear about what you want. What is your purpose? Do you want a friend, lover, partner or a wife? Know what you want and speak it.
• The next is, what are you willing to give and what would be an honor or desire to give? The complement, what do you need or want to get and happy to get?
• The third are your deal breakers. What can’t you live with and what can’t you live without? She claims men are better with these boundaries.

Not being your best

She warns particularly women about being on their best behavior. Often for the first three months of a relationship, the person is putting their best face on – then there is a blowup and the truth comes out. Once the person feels safe then the deeper feelings and wants come out.

Alison covers a lot ground in her hour interview. I attempted to do her justice in my review of her talk. If you want to decrease your learning curve for a relationship I would strongly recommend you consider what she is saying. Listen to the podcast, buy her CD’s and DVD’s – we have and they are great, or just take her trainings. Let us know what you think.

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“What has astonished and delighted me about my husband’s participation in the Men’s Group is not just HIS growth, but how that growth has affected the other men in our life–cousins, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers. Something in him has shifted, and his men friends–even casual men friends–open up to him in amazing ways. At a family reunion, he sat and listened to a male cousin-in-law tell him about a painful betrayal he had suffered. The man’s wife said, ‘Oh honey, let’s not go into all that unpleasantness.’ But the man looked at her and said, ‘No, I need to talk about this.’ He must have just talked ‘at’ Eldon for 20 or 30 minutes. Eldon was mostly quiet, but when he did speak, it was supportive, understanding, and encouraging the man to speak more. When he was done talking, the man said, ‘Wow. I feel a lot better. My hat’s off to you, Eldon. Thank you for just listening.’ I was so proud of my husband.” Theresa Renner, wife of Eldon, member for 19 months

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